Monday, October 27, 2008

7 Random Ways Motherhood Made me a Liar

Hannah over at Strapless Living tagged me to reveal 7 random things about myself. Well, I think this is particularly unfair because my entire blog is random! Just read the last 7 posts. There's your random! So I decided to mix it up just a bit and disclose, instead, 7 random ways in which motherhood made me a liar.

1. I will always work.

As you know, I vowed to never be a stay at home mom.

2. I will continue to enjoy fine food.

I never imagined I would eat old food simply to avoid throwing it away in the trash. Yet, several times a week, while cleaning up the table from lunch, I wake up and find myself feasting on delectables such as peanut butter and jelly sandwich crusts, banana nubs, 1 chicken nugget, or a 1" square piece of cold quesadilla. Why?! It's not like I don't have my own lunch. The trash can isn't that far away--in fact, I pass it on the way to the sink. What possible harm could come from tossing away old, cold, bits of food? Are people still starving in China? Yes, and it's because I'm eating all the food.

3. I will never buy kid-themed anything.

Something happens when you get pregnant. You walk through life with a particular design aesthetic, and you really do believe it will never change. I remember rolling my eyes and shuddering every time my sister-in-law bought a new mom bracelet, or family sticker, or personalized stick-figure anything. I found it all revolting. That is, until we had Mikey. Six months later I was affixing something very similar to this abomination on my Christmas card envelopes as I whistled to some peppy little tune--no doubt by the Wiggles.

Then, at the beginning of the year I wrote a letter to Mikey's class introducing myself as the room mom for the year. I wrote it on paper I bought especially for the occasion.

4. I will have a modern nursery.

I decided even before I was pregnant with Mikey that I would never, ever buy a glider. They are ugly, serve only limited purpose, are ugly, cost a fortune, and are ugly. Instead, I was super slick and bought this chair from IKEA. Yes, it had a longer life than most chairs out there--Mikey and I can still sit side-by-side and read a book--but it DOESN'T ROCK. See, in my little know-it-all, pea-sized brain I forgot that babies float in amniotic fluid for 10 months and happen to like rocking. So you know what I had to do? If I wasn't in the living room rocking him in our La-Z-Boy (more on that chair another day) I was sitting in my "design savvy" Ektorp rocking back and forth like Rain Man.

I have this in Nico's nursery.


5. I will never write a mommy blog.

Oh, hello Internet. Fancy meeting you here!

6. I will never drive an SUV.

When we got pregnant with Mikey, I was driving this:

Now I drive something like this:

I even lucked out and found one in the same Soccer Mom beige.

7. My children will maintain their own identity.

Right after I had Nico, someone asked me if I would dress they boys in matching clothing. I said no, because that was stupid.

I would upload all the pictures in which they wear matching clothing, but the internet might break.

So there you have it. Seven random ways in which motherhood made me a liar. I feel much better. Feel free to confess your own motherhood induced debauchery. You are not alone.