Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Failed Domestic

Last year, upon my request, my mother-in-law gave me gift certificates to a yarn shop for supplies and lessons. Two weeks ago, I finally made the time to schedule a lesson. I did alright in the shop, but once I got home and a few (7-ish) days went by I swear knitting became as easy as teaching yourself Cantonese.

I learn by reading and by clear examples and pictures. So, last night after I forgot, um, everything, there I was with the laptop on my lap, two needles in my hands, and a ball of yarn bouncing around like a tumble weed all while I surfed the web for decent pictures and videos. Have you ever seen pictures or videos of people knitting? Allow me to demonstrate.

Imagine a close up of two hands and white yarn against a dark white background. Fingers everywhere, no clue which string of yarn is the tail, and a 42 second flurry of finger flouncing activity complemented by a mystery female voice over lay who says:

Mystery Female Voice: So the knit stitch is super easy. You just go left to right, out the back door, wrap around, drop, and your done!

Sure! Of course! Now, come a-flippin-gain?! Huh? Wha? 42 seconds?! Repeat!

And I did. And I looked for other videos. More white yarn, more lightening speed knitting, and more pale, bony fingers that, I'm sorry, say "I own a whole crap load of cats."

God knows, I tried. I am nothing if not persistent. After I untangled, unraveled, and un-knitted whatever knotted, unspeakable horror I was 'creating' 231 times, my yarn looked like an 80s perm: fried, frizzed, and frazzled. I was half-tempted to put some John Frieda on it and keep trying, but the Mister, sensing a Mount Vesuvius of rage building every time my knits turned into knots, wondered out loud,

Didn't you take up knitting to relax?

Why yes, I did. Which means only one thing: screw you, knitting! We're done. Finished. Through. No longer an item. Instead, I'm going to dust off the sewing machine I have sitting in the closet collecting dust and see if maybe, just maybe, there is somewhere in my being a crafty sewing gene. My mother-in-law also bought me this book for Christmas, no doubt suspecting the only thing I would be capable of fashioning from yarn is a noose.

I am also putting this book on my birthday/Christmas wish list.

Anyone have it? I already read Angry Chicken, so I know the writing and projects will be fun and creative. Anyone have any other crafty sewing book suggestions? I would like something fun and easy. Something even a failed domestic could handle.