Writer's Block

I know I haven't posted more than a couple of times in over a week. The few pots I've made were crap at best, too. I have been busy, but not any more than usual. This coming week is busy for me; at our home we are hosting my dad's birthday party on Saturday, Mikey's school "End of the Year Party" on Wednesday, Mikey's birthday on Thursday, and Mikey's birthday dinner with the inlaws on Sunday.

But the real reason I haven't posted? I just don't have it in me. I can't seem to write anything that isn't absolute shit--some pathetic, half-assed platitude on the state of humanity.

I want to be good. I want to inspire (eh. maybe just amuse) and have one of those blogs people check constantly for smart content. I want to be great, but I feel mediocre.

It's like my mind has PMS and I just need to #$&^* ovulate, already.

Memorial Day

It doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men [and women] who goes into battle.

---Norma Schwarzkopf


Thank you to all the veterans, yesterday and today, who have made the ultimate sacrifice for their country.

God Bless,
Jules

Favorite Moment

My favorite moment was hearing my best friend, Kara, who is participating in the Foster/Adopt program, received placement of two little girls. She and her charming husband opened their home and their hearts to a 7 year old and 24 month old in need of a home. They would love to adopt them as well, if possible. Hearing about the success and failures of this state program is inspiring. I hope she updates her blog with just half of what she has been through. You can read all about her long journey to become a mom HERE. Good luck, Kara and Duane!

Other moments that were fantastic but didn't make the final cut?

1. Making an egg free cake with Mikey for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I was reading the recipe and muttered under my breath, "OK. 2 teaspoons vanilla..." To which Mikey responded, "No, mama. It's called Banilla Extra. That's how Mazy says it." I stand corrected. Banilla Extra, it is.
2. Watching Nicholas take a few more guarded steps today and having him NOT tear his frenulum in the process.
3. Not getting fired by a client who had waited patiently for two weeks for me to finish a sales letter. Bonus: she loved it.
4. Going to LA with the Mister to pick up another Craigslist find. No kids + shopping = bliss.
5. Hearing the Mister admonish Mikey for tossing his sweater on the ground. "Mikey, pick your sweater off the ground. We don't toss our clothing on the floor whenever we feel like it. We drape it over all the furniture. There's a difference."
6. And, finally, you know your three year old watches too much Food Network when he bites into a Ritz cracker with chicken salad on top and gushes, "Oh, mama! These crackers are so light and crunchy!"
   

What was your favorite moment this week?

Dear Misplaced Country Girl,

We did it! 30 days of green smoothies. Not so hard, was it? Did you wear one of your darling aprons while you blended up a green storm? Other than this past week where I was too sick to make them, I had one every day. It was so easy, mid-way through I got a wee bit bored with my own challenge. I'm thinking I have to step it up.

What do we (you, me, and anyone who is interested) do next to improve our health?

Exercise for sure. It's my downfall. I'm still figuring out how to incorporate it without setting myself up for failure. And sweating. Or breathing too hard. I'd also like to avoid moving as much as possible.

On the diet front, I'm seriously considering joining another blogger who is avoiding sugar, wheat, caffeine, and dairy. Since this comprises my four major food groups, I'd say this is stepping it up.

Then just now, while I was reading the articles on Perez Hilton, I read that Oprah is doing the same thing, plus eating entirely vegan, for 21 days. She's calling it a 21-Day Cleanse. Is this a sign? Should I [we] be doing this? Wait a minute. Aren't you on Oprah's shit list? Maybe we should see what Rachel Ray's doing. On second thought, I think I'm on Rachel's shit list.

I don't think I can go vegan (are there any vegan readers out there?) but I might team up with my new blogger friend and try the no wheat, sugar, caffeine, dairy thing. I think I can do it if alcohol is allowed. After enough tequilla, anything can taste like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup + Chocolate Blizzard, right?

Back at Work. Sort of.

Today's my first full day back at work. Things were gong along swimmingly until about 9:30am. I was watching Nico watching me as he held on to the back of his chair. I knew he was waiting for me to look away so he could practice a few steps. I obliged, and looked down at the marketing book in my lap (I was doing a quick market analysis of a company before I started drafting their sales letters). I looked up in time to see him land bum-first on the ground. He must have hit his face on the chair as he fell, because when he turned to look at me his chin, chest, hands, and arms were covered in blood. For one split second I watched, shocked, as his little heart pulsed a few beats of blood from his mouth like the last tablespoon or so of ketchup in a squeeze bottle. Squirt. Squirt.

I picked him up and ran to the kitchen. Squirt. Squirt.

He looked at me with those big Hershey's Kisses eyes and smiled a bloody, toothy grin--like one of those deranged hockey players thrilled to have picked up another red badge of athletic prowess. Squirt. Squirt.

Eight saturated paper towels later, I decided to take a peek inside his mouth. I thought his upper lip was caught on his teeth, so I called the doctor and they had me come right in. Unfortunately, my fiddling with his mouth opened everything up and he started bleeding again. Thankfully it slowed down quickly, and by the time Nico and I got there the bleeding was nothing more than a fuschia tinged saliva--slow enough that the doctor could pull away his lip and look inside.

(Paper Towel No. 9)

Diagnosis: torn frenulum. That little membrane that attaches your upper lip to your gums? Nico doesn't have one anymore. He's now a hanging loose, free frenulum-ing kind of guy. According to the doctor, this isn't a big deal. The membrane doesn't serve much of a purpose. Translation: It's a bummer it had to happen but it's nothing for you to run home and Google.

The best part of all of this? Nico's attitude. Other than the initial crying over the pain (which wasn't much and lasted all of ten seconds) the only thing that really got him upset was when I told him he couldn't eat the paper towels. His response when I pried them away from him was priceless. For the amount of tears he shed you would have thought he, oh, I don't know, ripped his frenulum. It turns out the missed opportunity to ingest Bounty is a far greater tragedy.

(Reason No. 342 why life isn't fair: They don't let me eat paper towels.)

Nice touch with the crocodile tears, Nico. You almost convinced me to let you have the paper towels again. Damn you and your hold on my heart. Squirt. Squirt.

Favorite Moment

Hi. Nico here. Don't tell my mom, but my brother and I read her blog. We still can't believe she didn't know it was called a sofa.

Anyway, I caught her diatribe against Baby Center and felt bad for the ol' bird. I didn't mean to worry her. What can I say? I like it when my peeps carry me like a prince. So, the next day I decided, 'what the hell' and walk about 5 steps for her. She's tried a couple of times to catch it on film, but so far I've stayed committed to the Loch Ness Monster School of Photographic Evidence: slim to none.

Here's one of me when I thought she wasn't looking. She's quick with the camera, but luckily I can drop faster than she can click. I think I'll call this one, Close but no Cigar: You'll Have to Point and Shoot Faster Than That!


This one is my favorite. I made sure to fall like a flour sack the second I saw Fuji. Look--you can't even tell that I know how to stand! Brilliant. I'll call this one: I was Born Last Year, Not Yesterday.



Stay tuned next week: my mom might actually write something entertaining. I was thinking if her blog got any more boring this week it was going to have to come with a pillow.

Later,
Nico

Stupid BabyCenter

I am sick as a dog with what feels like traffic pylons up my nose. I have slept no more than 6 hours since Sunday because Nicholas has miniature traffic pylons up his nose and, frankly, they just don't make for a good night's sleep. I can only assume the plastic from the pylons leaching into my brain is what prompted me to make the asinine decision to check my email. I scrolled through the contents from the carrier pigeon of masochism:

1. Junk Mail [delete]
   
2. Junk Mail [delete]
   
3. Forward [delete]
   
4. Business [put off until tomorrow]
5. Baby Center 15 Month Update: Your 15-Month Old: Week 1 [RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Delete without reading! Nothing good will come from this! DELETE! DELETE!]

Naturally, I read it.

• 90% of toddler are walking by now.

Not mine!

• Talking.

Nope!

• Silly dance routines for attention.

What the???

• Puts finger to mouth and says "shhh."
  

Who exactly would he be shushing?

Now, I'm not worried. That much. At this age Mikey wasn't doing any of the these things either, and now his teachers and pediatrician all agree he is a gifted little boy. [Take that Baby Center!] Besides, Nicholas is doing things that are advanced for his age. He "reads" books for months now, talks on the phone, tries to put on his own clothes and socks and shoes, and throws tantrums. He shouldn't be throwing tantrums for at least another 3 months, but my boy's advanced!

I'm going to put a positive spin on this. I've decided that Nicholas is not a slow learner. If you look at the evidence, you'll have to agree he is brilliant.

• No walking.

Walking v. Having someone sherpa you around town. The choice seems obvious to me. Then again, I'm a dozen macaroons away from looking like Mazy.

• No talking.

Who needs words? Everything you need to convey can be done with a well timed grin and doe-eye flutter of lashes. Or screaming. Kicking works.

• Silly dance routines for attention.

This is for amateurish toddlers who don't know how to command attention by grinning, eyelash fluttering, screaming, and/or kicking.

• Puts finger to mouth and says "shhh."

Why would a screamer let on to knowing this skill? Clearly counterintuitive. Rather than put a finger to his mouth, it makes much more sense to jab those fingers up the nostrils of an admonishing parent. Every good escape plan has a diversion.

So, BabyCenter, you're going to have to reevaluate your parameters. Maybe include kids who think on their feet as well as walk on them. You can keep talking about the babies who like to dance, but don't forget the ones who like to orchestrate. And maybe, everyone now and then, celebrate the babies who don't do well at crafts, but are just plain crafty.