That's What She Said.

The Mister and I are excited for The Office to start up again next week. Last season wasn't my favorite, but I have high hopes for this year. I can't wait to watch. {That's what she said.}

The Mister, this is for you.

Enough.

I am announcing a moratorium on the pigeon-toe stance. Effective immediately, photography subjects must position feet as one does normally. No more coquette posturing while you (1) look off into the distance and pretend you have no idea you are taking a side-profile picture of yourself in a mirror, (2) gaze, eyes wide and chin down, innocently into the camera like a gamine street urchin, and/or (3) pretend to be some shy, delicate petunia waiting to be plucked from the field of life. You know who you are, blogland.

I've been biting my tongue (but not my lip--that's moratorium for another day) on this issue for some time, but my eyes all but melted when I saw this picture. Point those damn toes north, Oliver Twist, or you'll not be allowed any pudding.

Photo that makes me want to jump inside the picture and kick straight some feet via The Sartorialist.

I'm Here!

Sorry I've gone long between posts. I have been busy. Super busy. Not just with work, but also hanging out with friends.

Can you believe summer is almost over? I am quite sad about it, really. In a couple of weeks Mikey will be off to school. Sniff. Sniff.

An Apology and Random Bits of Info.

I'm so sorry I've been quite today. We leave for a family vacation in Lake Tahoe on Wednesday morning, and I've been busy all day drilling dull pencils in my eyeballs as punishment for procrastinating on, hmmm, everything.

I got my "smart card" at Curves today, and according to their system, I burned 235 calories in 20 minutes.

I've reached the conclusion that 235 calories is nothing when you eat 5,000 calories at dinner because you haven't slowed down to eat all day.

We took the truck into the shop on Thursday, and 7 mortgage payments later, it's in tip-top shape. Woohoo.

You know how else you burn 235 calories? Procrastinating and then running around like madwoman trying to get everything done.

If I don't buy an athletic bra soon I'm going to have to tuck my boobs into my sweats before I work out.

The Mister made me a green smoothie and put in so much agave my teeth saved me the trip to the dentist by jumping out of my mouth and into the trash. I am now nursing a migraine and trying to flush out the world's worst sugar rush with a gallon of water.

And, hey! Guess what! We have a giant Expedition and with the car seats and all our gear, we can only fit 4 people! We have one of the biggest cars on the road and I'm pretty sure we're going to have to coat my mom in Vaseline if we expect her to fit in the truck with us. So, if you see a Grapes of Wrath type vehicle on the 395 this weekend, honk and say hi.

See me writing this post? That's called procrastination.

Where am I?

I threw out my back this morning while putting on my bra, which should give you an indication of the out of shape fat ass I have become. I'm currently on my second muscle relaxer and writing a client's media kit. It should be awesome.

The good news is I am inching my way out of my writer's block. I have some ideas I want to flesh out on paper, and when I am done with this latest bunch of clients, I will do just that. It feels good to want to write. I haven't had the urge in over a month. I hope to finish the last few jobs I have outstanding before the urge leaves me!

I am also moderately obsessed with The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet. I know it's not a new book, but I'm rarely the first one to show up at a party. Anyway, I am staying up late, reading when I shouldn't be, and taking it everywhere with me in hopes of catching a few minutes to read. I love it when I am breathless over a book, and I am happiest when fiction consumes my reality. I've missed the smell of ink. It feels good to have it back.

And last but never least, Kara tagged me to write a 6 word memoir. It didn't take me long.

I refuse to let fear win.

Writer's Block

I know I haven't posted more than a couple of times in over a week. The few pots I've made were crap at best, too. I have been busy, but not any more than usual. This coming week is busy for me; at our home we are hosting my dad's birthday party on Saturday, Mikey's school "End of the Year Party" on Wednesday, Mikey's birthday on Thursday, and Mikey's birthday dinner with the inlaws on Sunday.

But the real reason I haven't posted? I just don't have it in me. I can't seem to write anything that isn't absolute shit--some pathetic, half-assed platitude on the state of humanity.

I want to be good. I want to inspire (eh. maybe just amuse) and have one of those blogs people check constantly for smart content. I want to be great, but I feel mediocre.

It's like my mind has PMS and I just need to #$&^* ovulate, already.

Dear Misplaced Country Girl,

We did it! 30 days of green smoothies. Not so hard, was it? Did you wear one of your darling aprons while you blended up a green storm? Other than this past week where I was too sick to make them, I had one every day. It was so easy, mid-way through I got a wee bit bored with my own challenge. I'm thinking I have to step it up.

What do we (you, me, and anyone who is interested) do next to improve our health?

Exercise for sure. It's my downfall. I'm still figuring out how to incorporate it without setting myself up for failure. And sweating. Or breathing too hard. I'd also like to avoid moving as much as possible.

On the diet front, I'm seriously considering joining another blogger who is avoiding sugar, wheat, caffeine, and dairy. Since this comprises my four major food groups, I'd say this is stepping it up.

Then just now, while I was reading the articles on Perez Hilton, I read that Oprah is doing the same thing, plus eating entirely vegan, for 21 days. She's calling it a 21-Day Cleanse. Is this a sign? Should I [we] be doing this? Wait a minute. Aren't you on Oprah's shit list? Maybe we should see what Rachel Ray's doing. On second thought, I think I'm on Rachel's shit list.

I don't think I can go vegan (are there any vegan readers out there?) but I might team up with my new blogger friend and try the no wheat, sugar, caffeine, dairy thing. I think I can do it if alcohol is allowed. After enough tequilla, anything can taste like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup + Chocolate Blizzard, right?

Earth Day

Today is Earth Day, which is fitting since I spent half the day wanting to dig a hole to China and escape from the world in general and my children in particular. Instead, I baked (and ate) THIS.


and washed it down with this


Then cruised the internet and bought THIS eco-friendly lovely is from the awesome ladies at Rock Scissors Paper. They are having a 25% sale on totes in honor of earth day. The offer ends today, so get shopping!


Speaking of cruising, here's a tip. When searching Google for images be sure to type Mexican Beer, not Mexican Bear. Because, really? You will need quite a few Mexican Beers to drown out the images of some of the more "grizzly" Mexican Bears. And if you have no idea what I am talking about be glad. Be very, very glad.

Words and Roses

I have always loved roses. They have a solid dependability I can't resist. While other flowers come in and out of fashion, roses are the stalwart sentries of the gardening world. Reliable, predictable, and ready to please. The Mister doesn't share my love of roses. He claims it is because his mother traumatized him by forcing him to prune and weed her many rose bushes growing up. In order to have a few rose bushes at our first house, my mother in law had to resort to buying me garden center gift certificates for my birthday. Once they were in, even he had to agree they were gorgeous. It didn't hurt that people would stop at the house and comment on our blooms. Nothing warms a fickle heart like flattery.

So, you can imagine our surprise when we pulled up to our current home almost 3 years ago and discovered the (then) owner had an enormous rose bush collection in the front yard. It's amazing how two people can utter the same sentence at the same time and have two entirely different sentiments.

Jules: "Oh, look! Roses! Look at all the roses!"

The Mister: "Oh. Look. Roses. Look at all the roses."

The Mister vowed to have them ripped out within a year. I told him he could go pound sand. Three years later and we still have the roses, but we also have a yard service.

I lose track every time I count them, but we have around 48 rose bushes. Maybe 50. I know some of them are rare heirloom bushes you can't buy anymore. It's a pity I don't take better care of them, but lucky for me I live in an environment very hospitable to roses. One of the many wonderful things about living in California--and my desert-like environment in particular--is the extended bloom time. Our bushes will bloom from April until October with nary a pinch or deadhead from me.

My favorite place to write is at the kitchen table. The lighting is almost adequate (we're flanked by two enormous, sun snatching, old trees) and I like to look out every now and then at the goings-on in the neighborhood. With the roses now in bloom my favorite spot in the house is now even better. The smell is intoxicating. I hope it doesn't mess with Mikey's allergies, because we'll both be sad to see them go.

Is it a lazy day where you are? Maybe it's the heady scent of roses, or maybe I'm just tired from an early morning wake up call from Nico, but all I want to do is collapse in a comfy chair with a good book. Instead, I need to write. I've been getting a number of copy writing jobs, and I would like to wrap one up this week. I'm always surprised--and thrilled--when people contact me to write product descriptions, website pages, business tag lines, etc. I've never advertised that I do any sort of copy writing, but I get emails regularly. I'm even toying with the idea of starting up a little copy-writing freelance business. I really do love it. Of course, I'm getting paid to write. What's not to love?

Well, I better sign off and start writing. I hope you all are enjoying this fantastic weather!

I Hate My Keyboard

My keyboard is sticky, and I dn't want to know why. I'm not correcting any of the ytpis in this post so you can see what i'm dealing with. Ihave a MAc--how can I fix this relly annoying pobnl;em? DO iHave to buy a new one?

Know Any Good Blogs?

I have yet to update my blog roll. I read plenty of fantastic blogs daily in addition to the 9 must-reads I have listed, so after I finish up a writing project at the end of this week I plan to considerably expand my little list to the left.

Do you know of any great blogs? Please let me know in the comments. Now only do I love to discover new-to-me blogs, I'm curious to hear what everyone else is reading.

The Cheat Sheet

Things to Remember for The Next Time This Happens:

1. When your eyes feel like two burning orbs threatening to launch out of your skull and into a bucket of ice water, you can be confident sleep is absolutely nowhere in your near future.

2. Never eat a Chocolate ice cream and Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard because you're stressed about your 3 year old's 103.6 fever if you are severely lactose intolerant. By the time your stomach is done making you it's bitch, your ass will be a ring of fire and it will be 2:00am.

3. 5:00 am. Cue the screaming, delirious toddler with a 103.5 fever (hey! it's down 1/10th of a degree!) who thinks the ceiling fixture comes to life during the night and tries to enter his ears.

4. 5:30am. After everyone is asleep, including the fixtures, crawl back into bed and shut your eyes because in 10 minutes the baby will start to wake--2 hours early. Get up out of bed, because he won't fall back asleep. You're not that lucky.

5. 6:00am. Say goodbye to The Mister, because he will have to leave on a business trip. That's just how these things work. Robbers, serial killers, and psychos, here's your chance. Kindly email for directions.

6. Resolve yourself to the fact you will get nothing done and everything your write will be crap. Oh, and you will look like Anne Ramsey from Throw Mama from the Train.

7. You will get into at least 3 fights with mom. But, she will bring over soup and supplies from the store and visit the boys even though she is mad at you because she's just better than you that way.

8. You will try to list ten things you've learned from this experience and you won't be able to think of anything that doesn't sound better with lots of bad words...

9. And bad words offend mom. Mom will call about the bad words and will let you know what she thinks of bad words and people who use them...

10. Which brings on fight number 4 and, hopefully, another store run. Thanks, mom! (Even though I'm 35 and I can say bad words if I want to. Just saying.)

Housekeeping

I'm doing a little test. I switched off the comment moderation on the blog. You still have to enter the word scramble, but your comments should be immediate. Let me know if you have a preference one way or the other!

My Friends say, "Helen?"

Do you remember that radio PSA on the dangers of smoking? Where that raspy man's voice was talking, hacking, and coughing and at the end it turns out it was a woman named Helen? Yeah, that's me. My voice is fine, but I am hacking like someone with a 3 pack a day habit. Disgusting. What's especially fun is the wheezing. If I breath in a certain way I actually sound like a car stalling. According to my dad, who is only the best doctor ever, I have a bronchitis induced asthma--which is another way to say my bronchials are inflamed and pissed off. Pretty much going to wait this bitch out, and complain about it nonstop to all of you in the mean time.

In other news, our darling little baby Nico will turn 1 on Saturday! The Mister is in a wedding on that day (a subject that cannot be broached without us getting into a squabble) so we are celebrating on Sunday. Since this wedding is also occupying our Thursday and Friday, I have to have everything ready to go by Wednesday. I have a crafty mama this weekend and today, so hopefully this week and next I will be able to share all that I have been doing behind the scenes. That is, if I can execute all my grandiose ideas. Otherwise, I'm off to the party store for Elmo crap.